My Approach

“Differentiation" is the foundational concept of my approach and focuses on developing emotional maturity. Being a differentiated person involves the pursuit of individuality while appreciating the desire for quality, relational connections. Our Individuality encourages us to follow our own directives while on a journey to create and express our own unique identity. In tension with this is the desire for togetherness that pulls each of us to participate in the engagement and directives of others that matter to us—from partners, to family, friends, even to work.

As my clients experience the benefits of mastering this balance, their confidence with themselves provides a meaningful impact on others to follow the success; and thereby build more meaningful relationships that are resistant to deteriorate into emotional confusion and heartache regardless of the personal significance. This approach is about soothing your bad feelings and taking on the way(s) you use that bypass that responsibility.

The higher your level of differentiation, the closer you are able to get to others, because you're not afraid of losing yourself. It gives you a solid but flexible self, which allows you to make a decision to be influenced and to change (as opposed to having to change to stay on good terms with others).  At high levels of differentiation, what others want in their lives can impact you positively, rather than creating forces of conflict.

Real Intimacy is at the core of a good sexual and marital relationship. But if you are dependent on validation from your partner, you will find that you move from self-disclosure to self-presentation, in which you're careful to present only those parts of yourself which your partner will accept and validate. The route to mental and emotional maturity in intimacy develops when you are able to let go of your partner's opinions and feelings about you and move forward, even if it is contrary to what your partner is saying. Relationships are ever working on you to grow and maintain that growth and are, therefore, a people growing machine. This growth is what allows for people to truly become and remain in love and not just exist in a "loving" relationship. The same holds true for families and work relationships.

The goal of therapy, therefore, is to increase each individual's level of differentiation, which in-turn dramatically increases the potential differentiation for those who you are in contact with.  I will support you in maximizing the natural, built-in process in all relationships and overcome the tar pits people so easily get traped in such as:  relying on other on others to validate you; your intimacy connection; sexual low/hi desire problems and the related bordem and frustration that go with it.  You may think that in order for things to change, you either have to leave the relationship, OR stay and no longer accept your status quo.  People face this dilemma everyday with their spouses, bosses, children, friends, family; in fact, every where you turn, relationships are requiring you to maintain build and maintain your integrity from the best in you.  And therein lies the challenge to the therapeutic process > How do you begin to address, confront, soothe, care for, the worst you when and where it shows up in these relationships--and to do so regardless of whether others are behaving well or not.

The best catalyst will be your ability to tolerate the discomfort that comes with growth. You will face it in my office, but the real growth/transformation will happen in real-time while in contact with those who matter to you—whether you are liking them at the moment, or not. That is called holding on to yourself which will require you to increase your ability to develop the self-awareness necessary to self-soothe and to hold onto yourself, while developing a willingness to self-confront working towards your desire to have more.

More specifically I work with couples to apply this in the most powerful of contexts, the sexual relationship. I’ve watched clients face 28 years of abstinence, bad connection with both self and their partner, affairs, physical pain, emotional estrangement, performance anxiety, medical challenges and more to learn a model for being comfortable with the discussion of the details involved with their sexuality. This context has been given little, if any regard for its personal development/growth potential. It is conducive to develop profound levels of spiritual and emotional connection.

I think you will find this approach to be highly engaging and personally empowering so as to help you increase your differentiation while maximizing your potential for successful relationships in all areas—but you can decide that for yourself if you wish.